Holy shit.
Author Archives: Dane
Breeze
July 14, 2008 – 8:11 pm
More hot. You stand slack-jawed and dumb, staring forward, a gossamer thread of drool swaying delicately from the corner of your mouth. The brain is fevered and broken, it cannot be helped. A cool breeze allows a fleeting moment of mental clarity, and you realize that the new Coldplay album is awesome. So awesome. You […]
Baked
July 13, 2008 – 9:22 pm
SCHLLLLP. It’s hot. So hot. 99 degrees outside, 99 degrees in here. It’s so hot that even the mountains are spontaneously combusting. Clothes are too burdensome, so I lounge around in my underpants. I sit here sweating away in my own home office, sticking to and peeling off my fake leather chair as I shift […]
Unsteadier Footing
July 4, 2008 – 7:36 am
They say you should shuffle your feet when walking through a shallow sea, to avoid accidentally stepping on a stingray. The same technique could save your life when traveling across my living room. Someone should really clean up this mess.
Fine Dining in Bingen
June 30, 2008 – 9:14 pm
Question: Which of the following dinners would win in a fight? A. Ranch Corn Nuts and a hot and spicy beef stick. B. Dasani raspberry-flavored bottled water and Chex Mix. C. Spicy chicken burrito, a forty of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and a Swisher Sweet. The answer is C. The answer is always the forty.
Social Hygiene
June 29, 2008 – 7:27 pm
The other day, Kate and I were discussing the difference between a “tool” and a “douche bag”. It is a subtle but important differentiation, and we came up with the following guide. We hope you find it helpful, and failing that, offensive. Tool: Drives a champagne Lexus LX with gold trim. Douche Bag: Drives a […]
Trigonometry
June 18, 2008 – 8:48 pm
So. My kiteboarding photography is going to be featured in the next issue of Sports Northwest magazine, perhaps even on the cover. I must say, however, that the current cover will be a tough act to follow: Maybe I can convince Mike to get a bikini wax and pose with his new kites.
Deterrent
June 7, 2008 – 10:01 am
Buried deep in our chests, each Hood River citizen is now required to wear an economic growth inhibitor at all times. The weather-changing device atop City Hall is now operating at full power, effectively deflecting all tourists and their valuable Canadian dollars away from our town. We’ve started referring to this month as June-uary, and […]
Pork and Beans
June 6, 2008 – 7:18 pm
This is the greatest music video ever. Hooray for the intertubes.
Sol 0
June 2, 2008 – 6:31 am
My neighbors celebrated June by drinking beer from 10:00 in the morning until 3:00 the following morning. Outwardly I pretend to be impressed, but inwardly I’m annoyed and disappointed that they didn’t make a day of it.
