Category Archives: Life

“Tookits.”

September 7, 2006

Okay, I seem to be getting better at this “modern world” thing that people find so grand. I shaved my mohawk, then I shaved my head, and finally I shaved my beard (but that’s where I draw the line). I’ve started wearing shoes again, even though I have caverns in my feet that are a quarter-inch deep. I had calluses that turned into blisters, which became new calluses, which in turn blistered. I’ve been doing fun stuff like playing frisbee golf with one of my Yellowstoners and hamboning with the Como Ave Jug Band and throwing away most of my worldly possessions so I can traipse across the country again. That’s me. Fit, lightweight and liking it.

Just today I started calling around Hood River, trying to find a place to live for the next couple whiles of my life. My timeline for departure is vague, as it depends on a Yakima car topper that is slowly winging its way across the country to the local REI, but I’ll probably hit the road before the end of the month. Looking into rental property, and crunching the finances thereof, really drove home the possibility that I may starve to death this winter. I’ve reflected on this a little bit, and have decided that it is a calculated risk. The world may be relentless and unforgiving, and running your own business carries its own special responsibilities, but in the long run it sure beats a real job.

If all else fails I can live off sugar packets and non-dairy creamers that I gank from local coffee shops. And I’m sure that lots of restaurants in Hood River don’t even lock their dumpsters.

As Hoagie would say, “Tookits.”

Also posted in Civilization, Hood River | Comments Off on “Tookits.”

Wilderness Survival

September 3, 2006

I don’t think I have the survival skills necessary to live in civilization, anymore. I’ve been back amongst the world of thumping bass and flashing lights and extended middle fingers for nearly a week now, and I can’t yet say that my acclimatization has been successful.

I run red lights. On purpose. Well, I don’t do it on purpose, but my brain does. I can sense it processing the decision, and I can feel that it’s the result of a flawed fight-or-flight response. My mind has decided that yellow lights are not worth hanging around and fighting, and instead it’s best to get as far away as quickly as possible. Yellow lights are not grizzly bears, the brain says. If you run they will not chase you down as prey. Yellow lights will not shred you into ribbons. Do not waste time standing your ground against this foe.

The trouble being, of course, that yellow lights are rarely yellow for long. They quickly turn into red lights, which are a different beast entirely.

Also, shopping is weird. I typically wander around stores in a daze until something catches my attention, and then I’ll stare at it for a couple minutes. Now, products that I am actually interested in buying rarely grab me… most of the time it’s a bookcase or a cooler or a prepaid phone card. Sometimes it’s a metal hatch in the floor. Extra points if it’s something shiny.

When I finally zero in on something I actually want to buy, it becomes a whole new ordeal. At Target I almost bought two of the same shirt, and only caught myself at the last minute in the checkout lane. By the time I got home I was wishing I had bought both of them anyway. What if something happens to one of them? What if I want to use one for trail and the other for camp? What if I become rich and I want to use it to wipe bugs off my car?

Another problem is feeding myself, mostly that I forget to do it. This isn’t a good thing, seeing as how I lost 15 pounds over the summer and I didn’t have much meat on me to begin with. The problem is that I’ve gone from stomping around the world all day with a fifty pound backpack, to hardly doing anything at all. With this sudden onslaught of inactivity I don’t really get hungry anymore, but I still get grouchy. The grouchiness goes away when I eat food, so I find myself eating only as a means to regulate my mood.

As far as meals go, I am hopelessly ADD. I will put on a pot of tea and crack open a Pepsi two minutes later. When the teapot whistles I can’t figure out what the hell that awful sound is. I lost a banana somewhere in the house the other day. I was trying to eat it while doing other things, and I think it ended up going through the washing machine.

I have an established routine after breakfast, too. The cereal goes in the refrigerator, the milk goes in the cupboard, and the toast gets rinsed off in the sink for some reason.

So yes, it seems like I have a long ways to go before I will be a well-adjusted, productive member of society once again. Fortunately, even with all the troubles with integrating myself back into modern life, I can still make one hell of a martini.

Also posted in Civilization | Comments Off on Wilderness Survival

End of the Beginning

September 1, 2006

Happy September. I assure you that I am not dead, that the Boundary Waters and the Superior Hiking Trail and Isle Royale and Yellowstone were all wildly unsuccessful at claiming my life.

Not to say that there weren’t a few close calls… I almost broke off my hand when I dropped a canoe on it while doing the Wood Horse portage. The guys on my Isle Royale trip were so beefy, tall and huge that I was convinced they would eat me alive if we didn’t bring enough food. I led a small army of twelve, twelve people along the Superior Hiking Trail, the mere logistics of which are enough to explode the skulls of weaker trail guides.

And Yellowstone, dear Yellowstone. I could tell you about how we stole a backpack from the girls’ backpacking group, and how I thought they would flay us alive when our paths crossed halfway through our trips… or how we had to detour around a buffalo who was standing in our trail, carefully picking a path through thermals and mud pots and cracked sulfur earth in the middle of a thunderstorm.

I could tell you about how we spent half an hour watching a pack of wolves no more than 100 feet away from us, and how a windstorm kicked up and began knocking over dead trees that narrowly missed hitting my guys.

Seriously, I could tell you all about how I fought off the trials of the wilderness, how I narrowly escaped death and destruction at every turn, except that this would be a gross mischaracterization of the last three months. My summer, it was brilliant and lovely and it exceeded my wildest expectations. I spent more than forty days guiding trips in the wilderness, sure, and I traveled out West no less than three times, but as with any good story the real magic was written between the lines.

And now I’m back, back here in Minneapolis, back here in civilization, in the land of ice water and abundant toothpaste and expensive scotch. Gone are the nights where the Milky Way gleams across the sky and the mornings where we shake frozen dew from our tent. No longer do I need to pump my water from a stream or ration my toilet paper or look at dandelion leaves in a special way.

So yes. I’m here for now, but in a few short weeks I’ll pack up this circus to move back to Oregon for more adventures. I’m really looking forward to firing up the smelters on Brainside Out again, churning out some websites and other new hotness, but in many ways I feel like my heart is going to be in stasis for the next three months.

Anywho, welcome to Dane-O-Matic.

Also posted in Outdoors | Comments Off on End of the Beginning