Category Archives: Life

Ghost Town

Like a scene from a surreal dream, Kate and I currently find ourselves in the abandoned tourist town of Medora, North Dakota.

Medora is the gateway to Theodore Roosevelt National Park, a huge and gorgeous tangle of bluffs and cliffs out in western North Dakota. It’s a kitschy western tourist town, complete with saloons, general stores, wild west storefronts, and street signs hewn from wood and set in western fonts to mimic old time sign posts. This town was born wearing cowboy boots and listening to shitkicker music, and Kate assures me it’s a bumpin’ place during the summer.

The story is completely different come the winter. By the time we pulled off the freeway at the Medora exit it was already dark outside. And boy was it ever dark. “Are you sure there’s a town here?” I kept asking Kate. Nowhere was a town in sight. There were no street lamps, no road signs, no glow in the sky. Just, dark. And a road that wound through a narrow valley.

We pressed on, and after a few minutes of emptiness the road dumped us in the middle of downtown Medora.

There was not a soul to be seen.

We checked into our hotel, and left our car alongside the three others in the parking lot. At least one of those cars, obviously, belonged to the staff of the hotel. The others? They could belong to other guests, but there hasn’t been any other sign of them yet. The desk clerk told us that during the summer tourist season the town held a permanent population of 200 people, but right now there were only 80 or so. We would soon discover that even this number is probably quite generous.

Kate and I decided to hit the town on foot, so we’d be able to stumble back to our hotel after whatever secret revelry Medora would offer us. We made for the Iron Horse Saloon, after the desk clerk suggested that it was probably the only place in town that was open this time of year. On our walk we found some sort of bicycle (it wasn’t a bicycle so much as it was a regular human-sized tricycle, with a large basket on the back) abandoned on the side of the road. I hopped on the bike with glee, excited to cruise around town in style, only to find that the likely reason it was abandoned was because the chain was missing.

We gave up on the tricycle and made for the Iron Horse Saloon. The first few doors we tried to open were locked, but thus encouraged by a beer sign claiming the saloon was open, we eventually found our way inside. We were met by the harsh glares of two people, a lip-pierced fellow in a red flannel shirt, and an emo gal with bleach-blonde hair.

We said we were looking for supper (that’s what they call it in these parts, supper) and the fellow hinted that they might could do such a thing. If taken literally, the words he spoke suggested that they could indeed cook us supper. Taking into account the tone of his voice, however, it was obvious that he intended for us to fuck the fuck off. Kate whispered in my ear, and we pushed away from the bar and bound out the door.

Not yet ready to call it a night, we decided to explore the creepy town of Medora a little bit more. Besides the people at the bar, we hadn’t seen any other people. No one. Everything was closed, the streets were empty, the houses dark. In the middle of every intersection was a large pile of snow, five feet high. There was a police car that would pass by us every fifteen minutes or so, but beyond that we never saw any other cars. No one had bothered to rake the leaves from autumn, but the wind had gathered them into random piles in the quiet corners of town.

Many of the sidewalks in Medora are made of wood planking, and our footfalls would echo across the town. Other times the sidewalk was covered in a thin layer of crusty snow, and the loud crunch of our footsteps would make us shiver. As we toured the town we nary spoke above a whisper, lest we awaken the ghosts.

Before long our imaginations were getting the best of us. We started seeing people out of the corner of our eyes. I swore I smelled someone cooking doughnuts. Some life-sized cowboy cut-outs were arranged in front of the Medora post office, and both of us thought for a moment that they were real people.

At one point we walked up to a gift shop to peer in the window, and remarked at a stuffed cat that was seated on the window ledge. Suddenly it moved its head, blinked, and after a few seconds of confusion we realized it was actually a real live cat.

It was the only living thing we would see that night.

Eight

I find it somewhat comforting when my surroundings remind me that this, all of this, is just a phase. The wild river of life, not unlike the Monsoon Lagoon at Raging Waters, twists and turns as it sees fit. No doubt in a few short years, or weeks or months or even days for that matter, we’ll all find ourselves paddling completely different routes.

Tonight I was reminded how fortunate it is that I am no longer ten years old. No longer do I throw tantrums and shout at my mother and slam doors so hard it ripples the floor upstairs and makes the lights flicker. Me? I don’t really mind listening to the whole act. I actually find it quite entertaining, and what’s more it also grants me a moment’s pause for reflection. I smile at it now, knowing that fifteen years ago nothing I blew up over was critical enough to leave a lasting impression on my life. I chuckle and wonder why the hell I took it all so seriously, when nothing really mattered at all.

Sure, I realize this now, but to be fair I must remind myself that back then, this was my very reality. I commit a historical injustice when I superimpose my current mental state on my ten-year-old self. Back then I was ten, and that’s all I had. All those daily ups and downs, the joys and stresses, they were what constituted my life. Of course I took all that stuff seriously, whether it was the injustice of not getting a Sega Genesis for Christmas, or missing a ride to school in the morning, or being forced to eat hot lunch for an entire year.

Ultimately, what difference did it make? In the long-term, was it really worth gettin’ stressed out and throwing a tantrum over that Genesis? Damn. Even back then, when I saved up and finally bought one with my own money, I ended up selling it a couple months later for a Super Nintendo. Talk about a short romance. Back in 1990, try telling me that in fifteen years the main players in the video game realm would be the company that built my Walkman, and the company that invented DOS. Try telling me that Ninendo would literally own Sega. I would probably call you crazy, and I then I would probably kick you in the shins. Seriously, I was notorious for that in elementary school.

Flux is the natural state of all things. This is both ridiculously obvious and ridiculously easy to forget. Even now, I’m no doubt working myself into a tizzy over things that, in ten years’ time, I’ll simply laugh at upon reflection. The only difference is that this time around I’m aware that my stresses are ridiculous in the greater sense, involving such dumb things as mysterious mold growing on the outside of my flower pots, bleach stains on my bath mat, and misspellings on my LLC registration with the Oregon Secretary of State.

In its own dumb way, the knowledge that these stresses are inconsequential becomes a stress itself, a kind of meta-stress about the lack of relevant stress in my life. Sigh. Perhaps I miss my days of hiking through hailstorms, evading grizzlies, and treating blisters.

Or perhaps there’s just a gaping hole in my heart. Try as I might to distract myself with the banalities of civilized life, I miss those days of driving to Anoka, playing lousy mini-golf, and turning road signs into giant birds that eat people.

I just lost the game.

Make Love, Not Warcraft

Until I cancelled my account on World of Warcraft, I hadn’t realized how painfully early it was getting dark in the evening. Coupled with the end of daylight saving time (a change that happened as I was freezing on a ridge in the Cascades, and one to which I was completely oblivious until Kate mentioned it in a voicemail), these long and dark nights have become unbearably dull.

For two years I avoided getting into World of Warcraft, not because I wasn’t interested in it, but because I was interested. The very make of the game frightened me. I knew that World of Warcraft was of a design that, if I were to play it, would completely consume me and my life as I knew it. I had friends who played WoW and raved about it. I had friends who assured me it wouldn’t take me over, that I would be able to quit whenever I wanted, and this did nothing to allay my fears.

You see, try as I might to resist, I love video games. I was born and raised on them, but the industry has since grown to a freakish might and power that I swear these games are no longer designed to be games, but rather full-on replacements for a normally rich human life. Modern video games subscribe so scientifically to game theory and play so well to the desires of human psychology that they are more than capable of shoving aside everything else that matters. Video games are addictive by design. They are the Soma of our century.

This fall I couldn’t resist it any longer, so I grabbed a copy of WoW and dove in. I joined a realm where some of my friends were already playing, and became a Level One Troll Hunter named Olav. I joined a guild named The Bunny Boilers. Before I knew it I was playing the game every evening, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning. My 30-day trial period expired, giving way to a $15/month subscription. When I started with the game I swore I wouldn’t let that happen, but I justified the cost in all the same ways that a heroin addict would justify his fix.

I played for two whole months. I picked up a red raptor for a pet and named him Stimpy. I explored the wide expanses of the world, getting as far as Gadgetzan and the Zoram Stand. I learned the lingo. Twinks kept camping my corpse in Hillsbrad, which is a notorious location for that sort of thing. At some point I finally knew the game well enough that I could no longer consider myself a n00b. I went on a solo excursion deep into Alliance territory to gore enemy players, which was a devilishly fun journey. Outside of Westfall a level 14 human tried to take on my level 28 troll, and I instantly pwned him beyond recognition. My friend chimed in, “That’s the ally spirit!”

I loved every guilty minute of World of Warcraft, and yet I knew I couldn’t go on playing it. I was playing for hours every day, and my appetite was insatiable. There are so many better things to do in the world besides sit in front of the computer all day playing video games. There is awesome stuff out there, like riding your mountain bike and seeing live music and cooking thai food and hiking through clouds in a freezing drizzle.

In the interest of living a better life, I needed to walk away from World of Warcraft for the very reason I was afraid to get into it in the first place. I knew that I would love the game, that it would completely consume my time and energy, and that’s exactly what happened. I knew that as I invested more time, effort and knowledge in WoW, it would become increasingly difficult for me to give it up.

That said, my subscription expired two days ago, and as of tonight I’ve been clean for 48 hours. Dangerously, Olav is still around, waiting in the Balnazzar realm should I ever have the desire to fire up my account again. I’m resisting the temptation.

I can live without World of Warcraft, but I can’t live without… well… I suppose I can’t live without long, dark and rainy evenings with nothing to do between 5:00 and midnight. Yeah, I’m not gonna lie to you, this kinda sucks. Even the financial aspect of canceling my account has completely backfired. Now that I’m not paying $15 a month for WoW, I’m looking at $1,500 televisions to fill the void. Yup, in lieu of a subscription to Warcraft, that TV will pay for itself in eight years.

Sigh. Maybe I should just develop a real drug habit. If nothing else, it would give me an excuse to hang out on my deck in the rain every night.

Wahtum

On Saturday night our endless summer came to a screeching halt, and I happened to be outside to witness the transformation. I’ve been feeling slow and lethargic lately, and needed some change in routine to shake out of my rut, so I decided I’d load up the trusty ol’ backpack and hit the trail for a couple days.

There is this place in the Cascade Range, somewhat close to where I’m currently living, that I have been trying to reach for the last three years. It sits somewhere between Mount Hood and the Columbia River, and it’s called Wahtum Lake. As far as lakes in the Cascades go it’s a bit bigger than most, but it’s pretty wimpy compared to anything I’m used to. Nevertheless, Wahtum Lake is a lake and it’s in the mountains, and I love lakes as much as I love mountains, so right there is a natural attraction. Not to mention Wahtum Lake is within 30 miles from Hood River, making it a worthy destination for a quick weekend in the woods.

As I said, this lake has eluded me for three years. In 2003 my friend Ryan and I flew out to Oregon for spring break, and spent a couple days tromping all over Portland, the Oregon Coast and Hood River. This was the first time I had even seen Oregon, so the entire time my head was crazy with all the green. I thought I was going to suffocate on the thick living air, and I figured that would be a dignified death, all things told.

We decided to hit up Eagle Creek for a few days, intending to hike up the canyon all the way to Wahtum Lake. It’s nothing too difficult as far as distance goes, and we had even brought snowshoes for the higher elevations. However, we hadn’t factored in the rain. Oh the rain. The incessant frigid drizzle, that quickly sapped from us all available energies. Ultimately we hiked in for two days, basecamped 7 1/2 Mile Campground for a few days, and hiked out soaking and cold.

That was the first time we tried to make it to Wahtum Lake. My second attempt was a solo trip executed within the warm cocoon of the Subaru, in the spring of 2005. See, you don’t need to hike to Wahtum Lake from the Eagle Creek Trailhead. There are logging roads galore that will, so long as they aren’t washed out or gated shut or being used for, well, logging, take you straight up to Wahtum Lake.

Once again I began my assault on the summit of Wahtum, this time taking a route far less noble, with a support crew that included rear defrosters, fuel injection and a CD player. Despite being so grandly outfitted I was once again sent down without seeing Wahtum Lake, this time because the road was choked with snow. I did find a really cool rough-skinned newt, however, so the trip wasn’t a total loss. His belly was bright orange and he was pumped full of neurotoxins. How exciting!

So yesterday, it was with no small amount of trepidation that I set out for Wahtum Lake. The weather was clear and warm and beautiful, and despite a few near-collisions with oncoming traffic on the one-lane road, I made it to the trailhead without a hitch. Signs posted at the trailhead requested that I post some sort of “pass” or pay some sort of “fee” to leave my car in my parking lot, but I just told said signs to bugger off. I slouched into my backpack and hit the trail.

And after descending a couple hundred feet, I finally saw Wahtum Lake. It’s a nice blue lake, surrounded by steep hills and thick stands of pine. Splendid.

However, Wahtum Lake wasn’t the goal. I was gunning for Smoky Campground, a five-mile southbound hike from the trailhead. It was a wonderful hike with some spectacular views along a 4,000-foot ridge, and the sky was achingly blue. Mount Hood was looking over my shoulder for most of the ridge, and sometimes Mount Jefferson even poked his head up. At one particularly amazing overlook I could see Mount Adams, Mount St. Helens, Mount Rainier, and parts of the North Cascades all adorning the horizon.

I reached Smoky Campground (they call these campgrounds but really they’re just one-banger backcountry campsites) by late afternoon. I hadn’t seen another soul for hours, and I wouldn’t see anyone until I got back to the trailhead the next day. To save weight I had left my tent back at home, bringing only the poles, rainfly and ground cloth. This is the configuration that they often refer to as “quick pitch”, even though there is little that is “quick” about “pitching” with only these tools.

Since you don’t have the actual tent to keep the form, you’re at the whim of the poles, and in accordance with physics the poles tend to fall to the ground. This makes it difficult to do anything with the rainfly but throw it over your head, or maybe tie it around your neck so it blows in the wind like you’re some kind of superhero. Really, this is how I figure you “quick pitch” a tent:

  1. Stake down the ground cloth.
  2. Put the poles in the ground cloth.
  3. Grab the rainfly and throw it over your head.
  4. Now you’re a ghost! Spooky!
  5. Walk around a bit.
  6. Trip on the poles. There they are!
  7. Finagle the rainfly’s velcro straps around the poles.
  8. Keep doing this until you imagine you resemble a tent, not a ghost.

I made dinner. I got cold. I made a fire (which was, strangely enough, the smokiest fire I have ever made in my life). It got dark really quickly, which is when I started realizing how creepy it is to be on a solo trip. I put out the fire and went to bed. It was 7:00.

Sometime during the night, it got cold. Then it got colder. Before long I was deep in my sleeping bag wearing every single layer I had, including my rain jacket. The wind started picking up, and I started cursing this campsite on the top of a ridgeline. Actually, I had no idea how windy it was until I stepped outside to pee. Wow, it was really rippin’ out there, but you could hardly tell from inside. Such was a testament to the fine construction of my tent, even without the actual “tent” part of it, and my awesome quick-pitch skills. Spooky! I slithered back into my sleeping bag and checked my watch, just to see how many more hours of darkness I had left.

It was 8:00.

Anywho, somehow I managed to sleep through the night, even though it was cold and the wind was howling and demons were tromping around outside. In the morning I awoke to more wind, and rain this time around. I gathered my crap, made a hasty breakfast of Milky Ways, and tried my best to dismantle the tent from the inside-out to avoid getting wet. Loaded up and hunkered down in my rain gear, I began the soaking trod back to Wahtum Lake. Whereas on the hike out I could almost see to Canada, this time around I could hardly see 100 feet in front of me. Clouds and fog boiled up and over the ridge, and a silent, relentless drizzle soaked me to the bone.

I was loving every minute of it. In its own dumb way I knew that this was exactly what I wanted.

By the time I reached Wahtum Lake it was snowing, my gloves were sodden, and my hands were useless. I hiked to my car, tossed down my pack, and began the arduous process of extracting my hands from their gloves, and then pulling my car keys out of my backpack. I started the car and loaded my gear into the back, warming my hands in the exhaust so I could summon enough dexterity to peel off my rain gear. Thus unclothed I tossed my dripping layers in the back, climbed into the driver’s seat, and wiped the layers of slush off the windshield.

The thermometer in my car read 34 degrees.

Booty

Scotch on the rocks. We’ll see how long I can remain coherent.

A couple nights ago some friends and I dressed up as pirates and ran around downtown Hood River for the entire evening. Rather than simply doing this at random (which would be kind of fun, come to think of it) we were participants in this year’s Booty Hunt, a competitive bar crawl of epic proportions.

Well maybe not epic, but all things considered, pretty huge for Hood River at this time of year. For this year’s Booty Hunt we had more than 25 teams competing in a scavenger hunt, traipsing from bar to bar solving puzzles and picking up clues and drinking Full Sail Sessions until we couldn’t see straight. And once we couldn’t see straight we went to the sushi bar and did shots of sake.

All told, Sparky’s Skallywaggs came in third place, and we were pretty proud of ourselves for that. At the beginning of the night all the teams were shown a treasure chest full of loot… or “booty” I suppose. Later in the evening we convened at the Full Sail brewery where every team was given a mad-lib-esque story in which each piece of treasure filled a particular blank… trouble is, there was one extra piece of treasure. Our goal for the night was to figure out which one didn’t belong in said story.

We did pretty well, but we could have done better had we not mistook what was actually a mini bottle of whiskey, for a mini bottle of rum. Sparky is going to take it up with the storyteller, however, because everyone knows that pirates drink rum, not whiskey, and thus the part of the story that discussed the pirates drinking whiskey was inaccurate at best, and libelous at worst.

Nevertheless, our prize for third place was the treasure chest itself, brimming with the storied booty. Quite a haul, considering we’ve now got in our possession such gems as a plastic witch, a screaming knife, and a dildo.

Besides that, things have been fairly calm on this side of the world. A few days ago Kate got back from her canoe trip through Canyonlands, where they stomped through mud and carried folding chairs and dragged Grummans over rocks. She called me from the laundromat in Moab, where a week ago she had great cell reception, but this time around she just as well could have been calling me from Estonia.

Actually, it isn’t fair for me to bag on Estonia like that, considering that most eastern bloc countries have taken to cell phone technology exceptionally well and now offer widespread coverage. Honestly, the entire Orange Revolution in Ukraine was organized through cell phones.

And actually, it looks like Estonia was one of the first countries in the world to adopt a flat-tax income tax system, established in 1994 at 26% and reduced to 24% in 2005, and decreasing 1% annually until it reaches 20% in 2009. That’s some seriously progressive tax reform, there, and it makes this libertarian tingle all over.

So what were we talking about, dildos? No wait, cell phones. Suffice it to say, Kate’s cell phone provider, the famed Verizon Wireless, sucks huge ass. Their website is agonizing to navigate, and in their member’s area it’s impossible to find out anything about your account. Such basic information as “When do my night minutes begin?” and “How much are roaming charges?” are so cleverly obfuscated that they’re all but inaccessible through the website.

You can contrast this with my own wireless provider, Sprint, whose attitude towards my monthly bill is so reassuring it’s chilling. Go ahead and talk all you want Dane (their website knows my name but not much else). Talk as much as you want. Hey, even talk more than you want. Here are some pictures of svelte dark-haired women in trendy dress shirts, to encourage you to talk even more.

Look! These models use our cellular phone service! Well actually, you can’t tell from the picture that they’re using Sprint. You can barely tell that they’re using a cell phone made by one of our affiliated manufacturers. But trust us, they are! And they have phone numbers! And since you’re using our wireless network, at some point you may accidentally be connected to one of them, and the two of you could start talking!

Of course this won’t ever happen, since it’s all dependent on highly-improbable solar activity matching up exactly with cellular network anomalies, not to mention the variables of your phone habits and the habits of our models … but we promise that the odds are non-zero!

Verizon: We never stop working with against you.
Sprint: Together with NEXTEL FUCKING MODELS.

The argument clearly goes in favor of Sprint, aside from one thing:

  1. Go to the Sprint website.
  2. Note the URL in your address bar.
  3. Note how you have been redirected to http://www.sprint.com/index.html (or http://sprint.com/index.html, since they don’t have any redirect rules if you access the site without the preceeding www).
  4. Think to yourself, “Isn’t .html so, like, Web 1.0?
  5. Now, go to the Verizon website.
  6. Note the URL in your address bar.
  7. Note how you have been redirected to http://www22.verizon.com/.
  8. Think to yourself, OMFG, Verizon has skipped Web 2.0 and gone straight for Web 22!
  9. Note that while www.verizon.com beats www.sprint.com out of the water, www.sprintwireless.com destroys the hell out of www.verizonwireless.com for having, among other things, semantic markup and user-generated content.

Delivered

Ahoy.

I have safely arrived in Oregon, the state whose motto is Alis volat propriis, which means “She flies with her own wings, but only only after she has compiled a report regarding the environmental and economic impact of her flight, and only while using wings deemed safe by the state regulatory process.”

Yup, I’m in Hood River and I’m losing my mind it’s so freakin’ awesome to be back here. However, those of you aching for a long and thoughtful post where I reflect and wax poetic about the place that Oregon holds in my heart, well, ya’ll are going to be disappointed. I have a tall gin and tonic that says this post will be long, yes, longer than hell, but it will never be able to fight its way out of the baser levels of the human psyche.

As it were, this gin and tonic is starting to freak me out… an ice cube exploded and blew its bits all over my desk, nearly shattering the glass and tearing off my face in the process. For my own personal safety and out of respect for those who would care deeply if something awful were to befall me, it behooves that I finish this drink as quickly as possible.

And then get started on a Deschutes Inversion I.P.A.

Less than a week ago I finally dropped anchor here in Hood River after three solid days of driving across the country. I took the freeway this time, the same freeway I drove six times this past summer, in contrast to my previous Oregon/Minnesota excursions where I took the long and meandering route along Highway 12. Nevertheless I got to see a lot of awesome things, like the world’s largest androgynous holstein cow (New Salem Sue has horns and an udder), a 100-foot Virgin Mary towering over Butte, Montana, and most but not all of North Dakota.

I really enjoy living in this small town again. I love being able to walk downtown, hang out while eating a burrito, and talk to old friends as they wander by on the sidewalk. I love that Anna who runs Thai Winds still remembers my name, and even remembers my stint in Bend from all those years back. I love how my social calendar fills up not through articles in the Weekend section of the newspaper, but simply by chewing the fat with people in town.

I mean, the small town thing is rather panoptic at times… as my friend put it, you can fart in a store downtown, walk twenty blocks to Safeway, and someone in there will already be giggling at you. It wouldn’t be a good fit for the overly self-conscious, nor for those who are prone to rampant bridge-burning. But then, I’ve never really been any good at either, so thus far things are fine.

Also, I’m uber-stoked to say that my abode is fine, dandy and awesome. I was really nervous about what my place would be like, and it turns out that all the worrying was for naught. The bats (there aren’t nearly as many of them as I expected) are very well-behaved, and I’m quickly training them to be my bloodthirsty army of the night. My living space is so massive that I don’t know what to do with all the space (besides permanently installing a band, a rave and a halfpipe) and the view is absolutely killer. My windows (and deck, I have a freakin’ deck!) look out over the Columbia Gorge and the White Salmon River, and I can see Mount Adams from my dining table.

I’ve been unpacking stuff and stocking the kitchen and building wares from IKEA ever since I got here, and while I still have a long ways to go the abode is starting to pull itself together. I had a drift of crumpled newspaper in the living room that was four feet tall, and I’m still hauling piles of cardboard out to the recycle bin. I spent $50 on spices at the grocery store today, and now my kitchen is finally to the point where I can cook and prepare food.

I just realized tonight, however, that I don’t have any knives. For dinner I had to slice my french bread with a butter knife. I sliced the lime for my gin and tonic with my Leatherman. Another miserable trip to Wally-World may be in order, one with the sole intent of stocking the fuck up on cutlery. Hopefully I won’t have to put any of them to use while I’m still in the store, but my mental faculties have a sorry history of being able to deal effectually with the Hood River Wally-World.

But that’s a rant that might have to wait until martini night.

Medium

  1. A few days ago it hit me for the first time that not only am I moving to Hood River, I am leaving Minneapolis. This makes me sad, as there are people and non-people here that I am really going to miss. Most of all, I’m going to miss Gus. He is my world (aside from another world that I already miss like crazy).
  2. Stadium Arcadium, the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album that spans two discs, never needed to span two discs. I mean, the album is okay, but it isn’t okay enough to take up 2 hours 2 minutes and 22 seconds of my life. NOTE TO RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS: It isn’t done when there is nothing more you can add, but when there is nothing more you can take away. But what the fuck do I know? They’re the millionaires, and I’m… well…
  3. …Jake and I are certain that through future web design collaboration we will be able to take over the world in less than two years.
  4. The new version of iTunes? Thanks for all the useless and functionless gloss. Hopefully version 7.0.1 will address these issues and mop up that fucking wet floor effect. Wet floors are the new glossy button, which was the new drop shadow, which was the new bevel. Honestly though, on my guiltiest days I like it.
  5. The New iPod Shuffle? Whoa, awesome. Now where’s the version that I can inject under my skin?
  6. Downloadable movies? Bring it on. I already feel that CDs and their respective jewel cases are completely superfluous, and I shall bring none of them with me on my trek back to the west. All the music I have is on my computer anyway, so what’s the point of keeping all these the solid-state copies around? Now I’m beginning to feel the same way about DVDs and all the space they take up… how long will it be until each one of us has our own eight-terabyte media server that houses all our music, movies and television shows? Heck, while we’re at it let’s throw all our video games in there… Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii… what’s the point of having these disparate systems and all their games taking up space? Consolidate, consolidate, consolidate.
  7. Sprint gives me free long-distance, and doesn’t charge me when I’m roaming off their network on my cell phone. What they don’t tell you is that when you are roaming they will charge you for long distance. When was the last time you had to make a local call when you were roaming? When was the last time you even made a local call? In today’s decentralized, geographic-independent world of cell phones, how do we even define local, anymore?
  8. Sorry if I haven’t called you back yet, but I’m about three weeks behind on returning voicemails.

Atlas Slouches

Today I went to IKEA and walked out with a couple tons of furniture, and I’m still recovering from the trauma of this occasion. Now, I love the concept of furniture. I think it’s great how in modern civilization we live in these rooms filled with all our stuff, and we have all this extra stuff that we use to hold all our other stuff. I think that’s really innovative, having so much stuff that we have other stuff to contain it all.

Sleep for instance. Every one of us, we have all this sleep holed up inside of us, all this sleep that’s aching to come out, and we can only release it in these short, five to eight hour spurts a night. So what do we do to hold all of this sleep before we can get rid of it? We use beds, which are like sleeping bags only with more springs and less suffocation. We store all our sleep in these beds, and we take it out every night, just a little bit at a time.

To be clear, I’m not opposed to furniture. I’m just opposed to me owning furniture. I’m not a furniture kind of person. I enjoy looking at it and sitting on it and eating off of it, but I don’t like having it. I haven’t even torn open the cardboard on all the stuff I just bought at IKEA, and already it mocks me.

I enjoy going through life nimble and free, able to flit from locale to locale with nary a thought. All this heavy stuff I have now, all these desks and tables and chairs, I feel like I’m carrying it around on my shoulders at all times. Furniture is a burden I bear, my punishment for rejoining the ranks of society. Atlas carries the world, and I carry a matching bedroom set.

In the few seconds of the day where I actually forget the damning immobility of it all, I have to admit that I’m kind of excited. I mean, I have my own place for the first time in my life, and I’ll be living there for at least the next year. I can outfit my dwelling however I see fit, and I’ve chosen a route that is a bit classier than stolen cinder blocks and 2×4’s. I can’t wait to put my books on an actual bookshelf, to sleep in an actual bed, to kick my filthy-ass feet up on an actual coffee table.

I just hope that all this stuff burns really well, because there’s no way in hell I’m carrying it if I have to move again.

Vibes

The application on my new place in Hood River went through, so I am now the proud lease-holder of… well… a lease. I’m moving into the upstairs unit of a duplex that in the last two years was completely remodeled with new applicances, new carpet, picture windows, a deck, and a killer view of the Columbia Gorge and Mount Adams and the White Salmon River.

Of course now that everything is dead and done, I can start wringing my hands and fretting myself into a frenzy. You see, I haven’t actually seen this place yet, and while I’ve been getting an awesome vibe from my new/future landlords, I still worry what I have committed myself to, sight-unseen. No doubt they’re worrying about me just the same. I mean, even some grainy digital photographs would have been comforting, but since that wasn’t an option for these folk I was forced to fly completely blind.

In all honesty, beyond satellite photos from Google Maps I don’t even know if this house exists. I very well may have put a security deposit down on a house that’s infested with bats, or has carpet made out of bent staples, or is in the process of burning to the ground. In hindsight my actions seem uninformed and hasty, but I can’t really see that I had any other options. There were a number of other available properties that I called about, but I got really bad vibes on all of them.

I could have moved to Hood River before securing a place to live, I suppose, but then I would have found myself burning money like crazy, renting storage space and shacking up in hotels and losing all my work productivity. Through all of this, my entire business infrastructure (computers and monitors and other expensive technical gewgaws) would have been rotting in my car, waiting for someone to walk by and pinch it.

No. I had to make a decision, and I think it is better this way. I hope.

Maybe this is a good sign. Whenever I feel like I’ve made the biggest and dumbest mistake of my life (moving to Hood River for the first time, moving to Bend to be a ski bum, taking the job at Alpine, starting Brainside Out) things have a way of working out anyway. They don’t necessarily turn out the way I had hoped or expected or even anticipated, but they typically turn out in a manner that I find acceptable.

What matters most is not that I always make the right decision, but that I’m learning throughout the entire process. Failure, as much as we go through life trying to minimize it, is often the best and most efficient teacher available. I’d be a fool to stop taking these risks in an effort to avoid failure altogether, because at that point my intellectual and creative growth would stagnate. I can live with dumb decisions, but I can’t live without making decisions.

So yeah, at this point I say bring on the fucking bats.

Traction

It’s starting to gain traction. I sent in the applications today and if everything goes as planned, I’ll have a place to live in Hood River and I can start my grand exodus across the country on October 1st. I’m slowly rearming the cannons at Brainside Out and reconnecting with clients, and I’m learning that there’s no shortage of work to be done. Finally, this week I’ve been able to hack away at some of it.

A person far more ingrateful than myself might say “Fat surprise!” to a wealth of work waiting for him after three months incommunicado, but I prefer to go through life with far more graciousness than that. I am ever so thankful to know such loyal clients, to have such wonderful friends, that I can spend three months following a tandem dream, and still hit the ground running with a dream left in stasis back in May. I love guiding wilderness trips but I also love running my own business, and I’m really excited to see what the next year has in store for us.

Meanwhile, I’m a bit sleep deprived after a long weekend of hanging out with the family at the cabin, and whooping it up in Duluth with some old Wuda Wooch! friends. My 15-month old nephew was kind enough to give me his cold over the weekend, so I’ve been chasing that down for the last couple days. I think I’m on the tail end of this thing, though, so pretty soon here the pace will start picking up again.